I received this in an e-mail from my partner in crime Ellie - otherwise known as Louise as in Thelma & Louise - I can't improve on this!
LEVEL ONE the house is relatively tidy ( dust bunnies are resting quietly) there is enough food in the fridge to cobble together the next three meals, husband is lurking..but not offensively so, kids are healthy enough, pets are fed and happy, job is tolerable.
LEVEL TWO the house is tidy-ish ( understanding friends could come over, all others not-so-much) there is food enough for dinner as long as the family doesn't mind a 45 minute wait for you to defrost last month's turkey from the bottom of the freezer, husband is still lurking but he is now muttering that life would be better if (insert stupid male proviso here, i.e. had a thinner wife, had a wife that made more money, had no wife, if he WAS the wife), kids are quiet...never a good sign..this usually means that they are keeping something from you...something that is going to cost you mentally, emotionally,physically,financially. pets have come up with a new way to throw a kink into your day (chewed something, gotten sick on something, broken out in some pet-ish rash), job is a pisser-today was just not a good day.
LEVEL THREE the house is disordered, nothing that a good sweep through wouldn't bring back to a level one, but mucky enough that you can't find your purse.( the dust bunnies are unionizing) food...there has to be cans of something in the cupboard,right? Husband is an ass-hole...why the hell did you marry numb-nuts anyway? Kids have been texting you from the emergency ward of the local hospital. Pets have run away and that chip they have in their neck that is supposed to be a fool-proof way to find them seems to be experiencing a meltdown. Job is @*$&@()*$ awful, and that gay freakazoid who has the cubicle next to yours is driving you crazy with his constant whining.
LEVEL FOUR the house is a disaster (the dust bunnies are now actively leading a revolt, their leader "Che" is calling for social change)Food; scrabbling for forgotten change in the bottom purse you pray that there is enough accrued wealth so that you can order something on your cell phone on the way home from work. Husband has packed his bags and is threatening to move out, you offer to help him bring his luggage to the car, shit head! Kids are now calling for bail, something about a grow-op in the basement ( well, you did tell them to be a little more ambitious!) Pets bit the child of a local lawyer known for his litigious nature when it comes to everything, you disavow ever owning "Spot". Lawyer says he'll see you in court. You freaked out at work and told them all where to shove it, shit heads.
LEVEL FIVE the house is now being looked at as a potential training ground for Emergency Disaster Response Teams. ( The dust bunnies have all left citing mental cruelty, they leave behind dust elephants) there is no food anywhere in the house..in point of fact you are looking at the dog kibble wondering if Jaimie Oliver has a recipe that you can adapt for dinner. You have hired a contract killer to take out the husband, got a bulk discount as the guy is going to do the lawyer as a freebie. Kids have left the country but left your three grandchildren who are all delinquents in your care. Pets are now rabid, something they picked up from the lawyer's kid. Work, what work....!
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